


The Trouble with the Cow in the Tower (aka shenanigans with Bran and Arya)

by Starwardsfrost



Series: a fish who left her river, a star who left her sky [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Gen, Other, the whole stark pack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 01:45:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13823856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starwardsfrost/pseuds/Starwardsfrost
Summary: Bran Snow was about two thirds of the way up the tower when he heard the noises. He knew those noises. He wrinkled his nose and began to climb down. Theon was at it again. Ugh. Bran had been looking forward to avoiding his lessons all afternoon from the top of the broken tower. So much for that idea.nearing the bottom of the tower, Bran made up his mind. Theon would have to be pranked for this. Arya would know what to do...





	The Trouble with the Cow in the Tower (aka shenanigans with Bran and Arya)

**Author's Note:**

> I was trying to write something long and serious. Instead, this ficlet happened.  
> It is an offshoot of a long and somewhat convoluted AU that I have been putting together for some time.  
> It is also the first piece of fanfic I have ever published. 
> 
> It features happy polyamorous canon era Ned, Cat, and Ashara, parents to an unruly pack of children. The future of Westeros is changed forever by an exceedingly unhappy cow.
> 
> Please let me know what you think.

Bran Snow was about two thirds of the way up the tower when he heard the noises. He knew those noises. He wrinkled his nose and began to climb down. Theon was at it again. Ugh. Bran had been looking forward to avoiding his lessons all afternoon from the top of the broken tower. So much for that idea.  
nearing the bottom of the tower, Bran made up his mind. Theon would have to be pranked for this. Arya would know what to do... 

Arya was Bran's favorite sister today. All he had to do was say "Theon's up in the broken tower with some girl ... do you want to go prank him?" and she lit up. she had been moping for ages as Jon was too busy being paraded in front of the king, slapped on the back and called "MY BOY!" by the drunk fat man. The fat man didn't really have anything interesting to say beyond that Jon was the spitting image of father, which was no revelation to anyone but the blind at this point. But when you are king, it seems that you can say stupid things and get away with it. Arya missed Jon very much. She didn't like having all these foreigners in her home, with their judgements and strange manners. Bran didn't like it either.  
Arya decided they should send a cow to go up the tower stairs and interrupt the lovers. The poor animal was terrified of Summer and Nymeria, and so it was no trouble to herd it up the stairs. It climbed all the stairs. Bran and Arya, hiding in a hayloft in the nearest building over, were thrilled to hear a loud “MmuuuuUUH!” come from the top of the tower, followed by an ear splitting shriek. 

-Jaime liked the North far more than he thought he would. Lord Stark was an unforgivable stick in the mud, but it made Jaime chuckle to think how the most honorable Lord Stark was running around with so many bastards. Yet he had never met a lord more besotted with his lady wife. And what a wife! Lady Ashara Stark was possibly the only woman he’d ever met more beautiful than his own sister. She could have had any man in the seven kingdoms, and many more across the sea as well, had she wanted. Yet here she was in the frozen north where the sun barely shined and married to a plain faced fellow with more bastards than true born heirs. Yet she smiled and held hands with her lord husband. They snuck lovesick glances across the table at each other through a dozen feasts in the fat king’s honor.  
Most unbelievable at all was that she acknowledged his bastards and treated them kindly. Once he had glimpsed the Lady of Winterfell standing in a courtyard with a chubby red headed toddler balanced upon her hip as if it was the most normal thing in the world. She was talking with a servant, perhaps the housekeeper, Jaime wasn’t sure, and in full view of anyone, caring for her husband’s bastard.  
Of course, the Snows were a special case. Jaime remembered how the court had been abuzz when, amidst the rebellion, Lord Hoster Tully’s eldest daughter had disappeared in the night without a trace. After the war ended, she had turned up in Winterfell with a newborn babe and it wasn’t long before her story became a cautionary tale for noble maidens across the seven kingdoms.  
Jaime wasn’t exactly sure how many Stark bastards were running about this place but he had seen Robb, the eldest, and Sansa, as well as several other redheaded children running about as if they owned the place.

Jaime liked the North. He liked how enormous Winterfell was, with its abandoned towers and empty spaces. He liked that the fat king was so excited to see his old friend that he hardly noticed if his wife vanished for hours at a time. He liked this old tower and his sister, spread out beneath him.  
He was in the middle of enjoying some of his very favorite things about Winterfell when, mid thrust, he found himself face to face with a large, frightened, and angry creature of a bovine persuasion. Being at the top of a tower, he was thoroughly surprised and when it let out a panicked bellow, he found himself leaping backwards and letting out a girlish scream.  
Cersei scrambled away from the creature, yelling, “WHAT IN THE SEVEN HELLS!?” And the cow charged into the room. Jaime tried to get away as fast as he could and forgot the window behind him, gaping wide. Before Cersei could so much as blink she saw her beloved twin brother trip on the ledge and fall straight back, grasping for a moment on air, then vanishing from view.  
“JAAIMIE!!!” she screamed, running to the window.

She heard the sickening crack of his body hitting the earth, “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!” Someone was screaming. It must have been her.

When the guards, and everyone else in the castle, came running towards the screams, they were met with an alarming sight. For on the gound, staring, un seeing at the snowy grey sky, was the Kingslayer, Bleeding, broken, and with a distinct lack of trousers.  
And at the top of the tower was a naked woman who could only have been the queen, for her long blonde hair was all about her face as she screamed out her grief.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! if you've made it this far, consider leaving a comment.


End file.
